I am not asleep

When several ladies got on a car, which all the seats were already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep. The conductor fears he might miss his stop, she nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
　　　"I was not asleep," the man answered.
　　　"Not asleep? But I noticed you had your eyes closed."
　　　"Yeah. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

Where is the another claw

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight and lost one claw.
Well, please bring me the winner then.

He is really somebody

David has almost 10000 men under him.
Wow ,He is really somebody. What does David do?
He works as a maintenance man in a cemetery.

What is the sound of the clock indeed

The clock, which was left by Jack's grandfather, suddenly stops working right one day, so Jack loads it into his car and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the repair shop, is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, but he has a heavy German accent. He asks Jack, Vat sims to be ze problem?
Jack says, I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes like 'tick...tick...tick.'
The old man says, Mmm-Hm! and steps behind the counter and walks to the clock.
This little old man turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, Ve haf vays of making you tock!

Where is the father

Three sisters were looking at some beautiful paintings.
the elder sister said" How nice these paintings are!"
　"Yes," said the younger sister , "but what I find in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
　The elder sister thought for a while and then explained, "Obviously the father was painting the pictures."

Where is the father

Three sisters were looking at some beautiful paintings.
the elder sister said" How nice these paintings are!"
　"Yes," said the younger sister , "but what I find in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
　The elder sister thought for a while and then explained, "Obviously the father was painting the pictures."

bad marrige

David, you can't imagine how hard it is for me after marriage to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "My wife always asks me a question, and then answers it herself. after that she explained to me for almost one hour why my answer is wrong.

Open the door with you foot

The notorious mean man finally decided to invite his friends for dinner. Explaining to one of his friends how to find his apartment, the man said, "Come up to 5F and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door opens, close it with your foot."
　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"
　　"Oh, gosh," was the reply, "You will not come my house with empty-hangded, will you?"

Happy or not?

In David's café building, a young lady started waving hello to David everyday. David was flattered and very happy, for this lady was at least 15 years younger than him. One day this young lady waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom came over, she asked, "Are you single?"
　　"Yes, of course" David replied, smiling at her broadly.
　"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"

Who will cry

Jack, fives years old, was terribly spoiled. His father did not want to be this , but his grandma doted on him. So John hardly left her side. And when Jack wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then his first day of school came, it was his first day away from his loving arms of his grandmother.
His grandma met Jack at the door, when he came home from school.
she asked, "Dear ,Did you get along all right? Did you cry?"
　　"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

Your will spend your rest life

Today, all of new pilots and aviation words make me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During that class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.a student asked, if both our chute and the reserve don’t open, how long it cost for us to hit the ground?Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered the rest of your life.

Poisonous for ourself

A little snake asked his mother "Are we poisonous?" "Yes, dear," she answered - "Why do you ask this question, dear?" "Because I've just bitten my tongue! "

What makes the boy calm down

When an airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 4-year-old boy who picks the moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does try to calm him down. But the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General from the rear of the plane is seen walking slowly forward up the aisle. The General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers were surprised and applause spontaneously.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin worker come to the general and asks quietly Excuse me, sir, could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

The man smiles and said I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.